Category Archives: marriage

.and then everything went quiet for a very long time.

I have no idea where the last 6 months went.

I remember, about three months ago, Grant asked me why I hadn’t blogged recently and I said, “I just haven’t had much to say.  I should get back to it, though.”  And then another three months went by, and no blogging, and now it feels like I’m writing from beneath a whole lot of accumulated dust.  But now I guess I’m back.  (Warning: there may be sneezing.  Bear with me.)

The last 6 months have been eventful, but not in any sort of big, What I Did on My Summer Vacation kind of way.  That is, I’m not sure what to write to catch up.  Mostly I’m kicking myself because I don’t remember much, and if I had been writing it down as I went (the whole POINT of this blog in the first place!) then it would all already be there.  But it isn’t.

Finn and I are great.  She went to Indonesia for 2 months (last long trip for a while, she’s promised) which was… long… but she’s back and things are just really, really good with us.  We didn’t get married in the last 6 months, but we did spend an excessive amount of mental energy negotiating what our ceremony should look like, if any, and what our party should look like, if any.  We even went to therapy for a while, and paid a not-small sum of money to a neutral third party to weigh in.  And we still haven’t got it all figured out.  Mostly we’ve worked out the ceremony and celebration issues, actually – now it’s mostly a matter of timing.  At this point, we’re both so sick of it that we just want to be MARRIED already, but it’s never quite that easy…

(I’m told straight people have more wedding drama than this, even, and I’m beginning to think it’s amazing that anyone, anywhere, ever, gets married.)

Work is good.  Like most jobs, I think, it has its pros and cons.  Pros: job security, good pay, good benefits, flexible schedule, low stress, solid group of friends.  Cons: boring, boring, so so boring, and not the kind of law I really want to be practicing.  It’s the kind of job where the days are long and the weeks fly by.  My work-friends and I have learned to solve this problem with multiple coffee breaks per day, which seems to keep us in good enough spirits that we muddle through.  Despite the cons, I think I’m going to be at this job for a LONG time.  It’s the golden handcuffs problem – how can I leave a steady job that pays well and is low-stress, just because I don’t find it exciting enough?  So here I am.  And I’m grateful for it.

Oh, and did you see what I wrote up there?  Work-friends – I have friends!  Put out into the universe that I needed them, and suddenly Finn and I are surrounded by good people on all sides.  So at least that last blog entry came full circle.

On the other hand, my family is insane.  This was not a good Christmas – the first not-good Christmas I can remember (which I suppose I should also be thankful for).  Lots of fighting.  Some just normal big-family-fighting, some a little more serious.  Nothing to do with me, thank God, but I think it’s only a matter of time before shit hits the fan and things start to get messy around here.  There were definitely some things that happened this Christmas that crossed lines that can’t be uncrossed, and now we’re just kind of waiting for the fallout.  Everyone’s keeping it together for the holiday, but I’m not really looking forward to what the New Year is bringing on this front.  I don’t think it’s going to be good.

Yeah, cryptic.

Okay, so that part of next year might suck, but otherwise I do have really high hopes.  I am in a much better place – emotionally, financially – hell, with my gym membership, even physically – than I was this time last year.  I love my girlfriend, I love my friends, I love where I live.  So, here’s to a really good 2011.  And hopefully, to less radio silence and more blogging…

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Filed under anticipation, eagle death roll, Finn, Grant, love, manythanks, marriage, navel-gazing, new leaf, The Fam

.happiness is two kinds of ice cream.

This is me.

Happy.  :)

Work is going well.  Really well, actually.  Chief Judge telling me “You’re already better than half the attorneys on staff and I think you should think seriously about becoming a Judge in a few years” kind of well.

The windows are open, the weather is gorgeous.  I hope it holds.  Finn and I splurged on some patio furniture for our deck, which should be arriving this week or next, and I am pumped.  I have this dream of waking up Saturday mornings, taking my tea onto the deck, and whiling away the day reading.  Also, we’re planning on lots of outdoor dinners, and it’ll be great when we have friends or family over.  We’ve been here for 7 months, but we’re finally getting into gear and making this place feel more like a home.

Finn’s brother and sister-in-law and the baby (who I should probably start referring to as “the toddler,” because (a) she walks and talks and (b) she’s SO TALL for her age) are coming in a few weeks.  I think one of my brothers and his girlfriend and her son (also young-but-not-a-baby) are coming in June.  July is my birthday.  We’ve got a wedding in late July, and another in early August to attend.  (What about our wedding, you ask?  Excellent question; no answers forthcoming.  We’ll get to it eventually, we’re in no rush.)  Anyway, what I mean to say is: there is a lot to look forward to.  Things are good.  I am happy.

Sometimes it’s hard to post when you’re happy – and busy – but I’m still here, alive and well.  Hoping the same for you, wherever you are!

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Filed under Finn, love, manythanks, marriage, new leaf, ohmygod i'm a lawyer, stuff pomegranates like, sunshine, the beauty of the in-between, The Fam

.of olives and faith.

Had a recent dinner with Olive and Signe – so much fun, and reminded me of how sad it is that so many of my friends have moved away within the last year or so.  At dinner O and I were recounting the first time we met (she was a mutual friend though two people – she was in grad school with Rev and had gone to undergrad with Cali, oddly enough.  Small damn queer world, eh?)  After sitting next to one another at a grad school function (which I was attending because Rev and I were still in a relationship at the time, and which Olive was attending because, well, she went to grad school there) several of us decided to go out dancing at the local gayladyclub.  Olive and I – having spent the past 2 or so hours sitting next to one another – were basically immediate best friends.  We somehow decided that I would accompany her to her house so she could get gayladyclub-prepared, and then she would accompany me to mine, where I would get similarly prepared – and also, we would take some shots.  (How shots so quickly entered the mix, I do not know… but I like it.)  A small amount of primping and several shots of rum later (rum!  ha) we began the short trek to the club.  On the way Olive’s bra somehow broke, and we got hopelessly lost, both I think mostly due to the drunkenness.  And from that point forward, we were inseparable (in mind, if not body.  We actually often refer to ourselves in the singular as “The Brain” because we fairly consistently say the same things at the same time with the same inflection.  It’s odd.  But again… I like it.)

In sum, I present the Beautiful Friendship Equation:

first hangout

+ team rum!

+ bra sighting

+ no sense of direction

= long-lasting bond.

Seriously, for all that she is something of a trauma magnet (we’re talking about the woman who has set her hair on fire, and once fell off a roof and… well, I’ll quit while I’m ahead) she is also the kind of person who walks in and shifts the energy of any room for the better.  Got her finger on the pulse of joy, that one.  Man I miss her.

In other news… I told my mom about the engagement.  It went pretty much the way I expected, which I can live with.  That is, I told her, and she cried, and said that she was happy that I was happy but she would need some time.  And then we changed the subject.  In more adorable news, though, Finn’s parents sent us flowers last weekend with a card that read, “We both woke up this morning with a big smile on our faces because of your engagement.  We love you!”

Maybe this is just a defense mechanism, but I have to believe things will work out with my family in the end.  I keep reminding myself that they’ve really come so far – nary a quotation of scripture to speak of following the marriage announcement, which would have been standard fare not so many years ago – and I keep hoping that over time this will feel like the norm to them.  I’ve been through the worst; I have my foot in the door.  And I was surprised to find that my mom’s response didn’t feel like rejection to me.  I knew she would be upset; she was upset; I told her I understood; she told me she was happy for me; we dealt.  We’ll see how the aftermath plays out, but I have faith.  Perhaps I shouldn’t, but I do.  And isn’t that what faith is?

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Filed under Cali, Finn, marriage, memories, Olive, Rev, The Fam

.i guess she liked it.

…because she definitely just put a ring on it.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, Finn and I are officially ENGAGED.  ::wiggles::

Unfortunately for those of you who are hoping for a “she proposed on the big screen at halftime at the Sox game” story, because we’re so low-key there’s not really much of a story to it.  Mostly we’ve been talking about it for – well, for quite a while now, probably close to a year, and about a month ago Finn decided to get the ball rolling and went to a badass jeweler and had a ring designed for me.  (Points for showing initiative!)  She told me right after she did it – girl can’t keep a secret to save her life, heh – and she gave it to me last Thursday morning around 7am, when she was coming home from a birth and I was about to leave for work.  Our paths crossed, we were standing in the kitchen having a quick hello/goodbye snuggle, she opened the little ring box and helped me put it on, and I’ve been obsessively admiring my hand ever since.  It was a proposal that was very… us.

We’re having a ring designed for Finn now, but it won’t be ready for another month or so.  Once we have them both, I’ll post pictures.  I could try and describe them, but it wouldn’t do them justice.  Suffice it to say they are AWESOME.  (And non-matching – we have very different styles.)

Anyway.  For someone who used to be incredibly anti-marriage – I was never gonna get married, didn’t want to support the institution, hated the idea of conforming to heteronormative ideals, etc. etc. etc. – I recognize that this is kind of an enormous 180.  But it feels completely and utterly right.  Over the last several years, my ideas on marriage have radically changed (part of my slow realization that all the amazing things one learns as a college student studying postmodernism and gender theory don’t necessarily make sense in application.  I suppose I’ve grown to become something of a pragmatist over time and allowed my radical feminism to lie fallow; shh, don’t tell my women’s studies professors!)   And of course, within the last few months we’ve all seen this domino line of states suddenly allow marriage equality, which I must admit has affected me more than I ever would have anticipated.  Something about knowing that my relationship is equal in the eyes of the law, that my children will know that their parents’ relationship is valued as such, that the slow arc of the universe actually is bending toward justice… I hate to admit that it matters to me, I wish I could say that I am unaffected by this sense of validation, that my relationship would exist just fine without your approval thank you very much – but it matters.  Of course same-sex relationships have existed without widespread approval for, well, forever now, and of course marriage equality in a handful of states does not full and true equality make.  (And, of course, all the committed same-sex couples living in states where they can’t get married are just as valuable as any other relationship.)  I’m not saying this is something that I need, that this community needs – but it’s something I want, something we want, and something we deserve.  And it feels good to have it.

Especially when I get to have it with someone as absolutely amazing as Finn.

I could. not. be. more. lucky.

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Filed under Finn, love, marriage