Category Archives: love

.and then everything went quiet for a very long time.

I have no idea where the last 6 months went.

I remember, about three months ago, Grant asked me why I hadn’t blogged recently and I said, “I just haven’t had much to say.  I should get back to it, though.”  And then another three months went by, and no blogging, and now it feels like I’m writing from beneath a whole lot of accumulated dust.  But now I guess I’m back.  (Warning: there may be sneezing.  Bear with me.)

The last 6 months have been eventful, but not in any sort of big, What I Did on My Summer Vacation kind of way.  That is, I’m not sure what to write to catch up.  Mostly I’m kicking myself because I don’t remember much, and if I had been writing it down as I went (the whole POINT of this blog in the first place!) then it would all already be there.  But it isn’t.

Finn and I are great.  She went to Indonesia for 2 months (last long trip for a while, she’s promised) which was… long… but she’s back and things are just really, really good with us.  We didn’t get married in the last 6 months, but we did spend an excessive amount of mental energy negotiating what our ceremony should look like, if any, and what our party should look like, if any.  We even went to therapy for a while, and paid a not-small sum of money to a neutral third party to weigh in.  And we still haven’t got it all figured out.  Mostly we’ve worked out the ceremony and celebration issues, actually – now it’s mostly a matter of timing.  At this point, we’re both so sick of it that we just want to be MARRIED already, but it’s never quite that easy…

(I’m told straight people have more wedding drama than this, even, and I’m beginning to think it’s amazing that anyone, anywhere, ever, gets married.)

Work is good.  Like most jobs, I think, it has its pros and cons.  Pros: job security, good pay, good benefits, flexible schedule, low stress, solid group of friends.  Cons: boring, boring, so so boring, and not the kind of law I really want to be practicing.  It’s the kind of job where the days are long and the weeks fly by.  My work-friends and I have learned to solve this problem with multiple coffee breaks per day, which seems to keep us in good enough spirits that we muddle through.  Despite the cons, I think I’m going to be at this job for a LONG time.  It’s the golden handcuffs problem – how can I leave a steady job that pays well and is low-stress, just because I don’t find it exciting enough?  So here I am.  And I’m grateful for it.

Oh, and did you see what I wrote up there?  Work-friends – I have friends!  Put out into the universe that I needed them, and suddenly Finn and I are surrounded by good people on all sides.  So at least that last blog entry came full circle.

On the other hand, my family is insane.  This was not a good Christmas – the first not-good Christmas I can remember (which I suppose I should also be thankful for).  Lots of fighting.  Some just normal big-family-fighting, some a little more serious.  Nothing to do with me, thank God, but I think it’s only a matter of time before shit hits the fan and things start to get messy around here.  There were definitely some things that happened this Christmas that crossed lines that can’t be uncrossed, and now we’re just kind of waiting for the fallout.  Everyone’s keeping it together for the holiday, but I’m not really looking forward to what the New Year is bringing on this front.  I don’t think it’s going to be good.

Yeah, cryptic.

Okay, so that part of next year might suck, but otherwise I do have really high hopes.  I am in a much better place – emotionally, financially – hell, with my gym membership, even physically – than I was this time last year.  I love my girlfriend, I love my friends, I love where I live.  So, here’s to a really good 2011.  And hopefully, to less radio silence and more blogging…

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Filed under anticipation, eagle death roll, Finn, Grant, love, manythanks, marriage, navel-gazing, new leaf, The Fam

.i’m okay, you’re okay.

Well, hello.  Long time no see.

About a year ago, I was talking to my mom about what I had been like as a child.  What did she remember about me?  Did she think I was generally a good kid?  Was I tough to parent?  She thought for a few seconds, and then said, “What I remember about you is that you were always much harder on yourself than we ever were on you.  That’s the kind of kid you were – you’d get a B on a test, and when we’d congratulate you, you’d burst into tears because you weren’t satisfied with a B.  With you, it always had to be an A.”

Here’s the thing about having a blog – when I ignore it for a while, I feel guilty.  I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do.  And then blogging becomes this thing that I should be doing, a chore, instead of something that I do simply because I want to.  This, of course, leads me to… ignore it even more.  All of which is ridiculous, I know, because it’s not like I have all that many readers in the first place, and the ones I have are mostly friends who couldn’t care less whether or not I’m regularly updating my blog.  But it doesn’t matter.  I started this blog to keep a record of what was going on in my life, because I have a terrible memory and I’d like to be able to look back and see what was going on at various times.  So I’m not satisfied unless I’m doing it often, because I set a goal for myself, dammit, and I’d like to see it through.

This tendency to have high expectations for myself isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  For instance, it pushes me to work hard and distinguish myself at work.  It motivates me to write and re-write and revise and write some more, even on days when I don’t feel like writing.  This characteristic is why I get shit done, and I can recognize that that’s a good thing.

The problem is, I’ve been wielding this aspect of my character like a mallet, when it’s really best handled with laser precision.  I’ve been demanding perfection from myself in everything, even things that don’t matter very much (such as, yes, whether or not I post regularly on my blog).  But it’s not just that.  I’ve been beating myself up recently over the fact that I don’t have more hobbies, don’t have more friends, don’t have a cleaner house, don’t have my debt paid down.  That I’m not more successful, more motivated.  That I haven’t published a book or learned Spanish.  That I don’t network.  That I haven’t done, well, anything of note in my life.  That I’m not the best at anything.  That I haven’t distinguished myself at anything that matters.

I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test a few months ago and came up an INFJ, which could not be more right-on.  (For those of you whose Myers-Briggs-speak is a bit rusty, INFJ stands for Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging).  Here’s a pretty relevant part of the description of your average INFJ: “INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves – there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments.”

Huh.  Y’don’t say.

So.  In light of the guilt, and my recognition that it’s so often unnecessary… I’m going to try something new.  I’m going to try and use my own high expectations for myself like a laser instead of a mallet.  I’m going to give myself the freedom to be imperfect.

I’m going to give myself permission to be tired and overwhelmed sometimes.  I’m going to let myself sleep in on a Saturday without tempering my enjoyment with guilt.  I’m going to cut myself some slack on the hobbies, the friends, the debt – or at least from feeling like I need to address them all at once.  I can try and work on a few things at a time.  Everything does not have to be running at 100% for me to be okay, be accomplished, be a worthwhile human being.

I’m going to try and use my perfectionism to my benefit, instead of letting it guilt me into inaction.  Turn it on a few things that really matter and motivate myself to work hard and well at some things, rather than shining a giant, judgmental spotlight onto my whole life and berating myself for coming up short.

So yeah, I haven’t blogged in a while.  It hasn’t been a priority.  And that’s okay.  I’ll try and write more often, because I really would like to have a record of what I’m doing.  But if I don’t, I don’t.  AND THAT’S OKAY.

So, with the navel-gazing portion of this post over – on to the actual what-when-where that I intended in the first place.

Not that I need an excuse after everything I just said, but part of the reason I haven’t blogged in a while is that things have been so effing busy!  Mostly in a good way.  I’ve been working late basically every night for the last couple of months, banking credit hours which I can then use to take days off when we have guests.  And oh, have we had guests.

First, Finn’s parents came into town for a week at the end of April.  (I had just purchased a new camera, so brace yourselves for an illustrated post.)

We hitched Ophelia onto her leash and let her out onto the porch to play.  Finn’s parents were a bit dubious of her at first, but she really grew on them.

Ophelia, checking out birds in the rafters of our porch

The weather was gorgeous while they were here, so we went on lots of walks.  Before they left we threw them a big party so they could meet some of our friends, including Finn’s midwifery partner, her husband, and their FOUR BOYS under the age of NINE.  (Great, great, wonderful, adorable kids, and absolutely insane.)

View from the porch, where most of the party happened – photo by one of the 4boysunder9, all of whom wanted a turn with the camera


This is the table at the party, loaded down with food.  Please note that when I say we threw a party, I mean that Finn’s dad, who is an AMAZING cook, cooked us a ton of food, which we promptly snarfed.

A few days after her parents left, Finn’s friend Gina and her 2 year old Chester came for the weekend.  I won’t put pics of them up, because that seems weird, but we had a good time.  I re-discovered that toddlers love me.

The weekend after Gina left, Olive came into town for a few days.  She was doing her final pre-ordination meetings and vote before she becomes ordained as a minister in the UCC church.  It all went well, and so she’s getting ordained in 2 weeks! I’m so thrilled for her.

The day after Olive left, Finn’s brother and sister-in-law and our niece came to visit from Hawaii.  They were here for about 7 days, and I was able to use up 3 days worth of the credit hours I’d been saving up at work to hang out and play with them in the middle of the week.  We went on lots of walks, visited the Children’s Museum, went window-shopping on the main street in our lil neighborhood, hung out at the pond near our house, and spent quite a bit of time at the playground down the street.

Learning about tools at the Children’s Museum


Finn’s brother and the kiddo at the pond

This weekend, we have no guests and no responsibilities.  We’re probably going to the beach tomorrow, and then out to dinner with some friends.  Oh, and later this week we’re going to a baseball game, which is pretty rad.

Next weekend I’m off to a funeral for my aunt, who died suddenly and unexpectedly last week.  I’m still not really ready to talk about that.  The weekend after that, Olive is getting ordained, and she and her sig other, KC, are staying with us for the week.  Then the weekend after THAT, my brother and his girlfriend are coming into town for a week.  Annnnnd that gets us til the end of June!  Phew.

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.happiness is two kinds of ice cream.

This is me.

Happy.  :)

Work is going well.  Really well, actually.  Chief Judge telling me “You’re already better than half the attorneys on staff and I think you should think seriously about becoming a Judge in a few years” kind of well.

The windows are open, the weather is gorgeous.  I hope it holds.  Finn and I splurged on some patio furniture for our deck, which should be arriving this week or next, and I am pumped.  I have this dream of waking up Saturday mornings, taking my tea onto the deck, and whiling away the day reading.  Also, we’re planning on lots of outdoor dinners, and it’ll be great when we have friends or family over.  We’ve been here for 7 months, but we’re finally getting into gear and making this place feel more like a home.

Finn’s brother and sister-in-law and the baby (who I should probably start referring to as “the toddler,” because (a) she walks and talks and (b) she’s SO TALL for her age) are coming in a few weeks.  I think one of my brothers and his girlfriend and her son (also young-but-not-a-baby) are coming in June.  July is my birthday.  We’ve got a wedding in late July, and another in early August to attend.  (What about our wedding, you ask?  Excellent question; no answers forthcoming.  We’ll get to it eventually, we’re in no rush.)  Anyway, what I mean to say is: there is a lot to look forward to.  Things are good.  I am happy.

Sometimes it’s hard to post when you’re happy – and busy – but I’m still here, alive and well.  Hoping the same for you, wherever you are!

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.breaking.

I received the following email in my inbox this morning:

“Hi [Pomegranate]…

Just wanted to tell you that “I know” and all is right with the world…. I will love you forever…Grandma”
Thaaaaaaat’s right.  Apparently my grandma and my mom had a conversation last night which went something like this, according to my mother’s reenactment:
Grandma: Um.  I think I know something.
Mom: What do you mean?  What do you think you know?
Grandma: What do you think I think I know?
[Continue this Who’s on First for a few minutes, until…]
Grandma: …I think [Pom] is a lesbian.
Mom: Oh.  Well… you’re right.  She is.
So there you have it.  The moment of loving, tolerant, progressive understanding that I’d been hoping for.  Hurrah!

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.an arbitrary collection of thoughts in no particular order.

I sat down today to set some goals for myself this week.  On the list, among other things: finishing up the draft of the chapter I’ve been working on; making some truffles; taking a day off from technology.  Other things, getting right with some people, setting aside some time to finish the book I’m reading (A Widow for One Year, John Irving, quite enjoyable).  I’ve decided to set goals for myself every week, not so much because I feel like I’m floating (though that’s part of it) but because for all that I’m spending 99% of my time with myself, not much of it is quality time, if that makes sense.  The simple act of sitting down and asking myself what I want for the week seems to be a good place to start.  So.

Finn is home and we’re settling back into things.  It’s been a slightly difficult but utterly welcome adjustment.  (We’re still re-learning to sleep in the same bed together… it’s amazing how quickly your body learns to take over the entire bed when you lose your sleepmate.  Apparently I’m quite the cover thief these days.)  She’s been insanely busy, so my days actually don’t look all that different – doing my own thing, mostly.  But it’s beyond wonderful to have her around in the evenings, snuggled under a down throw, warm in our cozy apartment.

I’m glad it didn’t really snow until she got back; I fell in love with her in winter, and nothing brings me back to myself, and back to us, quite like watching watching a snowfall with her.  To think I used to hate winter.

We decorated for Christmas last night.  I’m kind of obsessed with Christmas; it’s a big holiday in my family, and I adore the traditions of my childhood.  Somehow Finn and I haven’t quite managed to get our own traditions off the ground – she isn’t so big on the traditional in general, and her family isn’t religious, so from what I gather the holiday season didn’t have quite the same significance for her family that it did for mine.  But she’s willing to play along since it’s so important to me.

An example of our traditions not quite living up to expectations: last night she was supposed to have work until 6, after which we had big plans for a roasted chicken dinner, which we were going to eat while cheerily decking the halls, listening to christmas music and sipping mulled wine.  Lovely, right?  But then her work stuff got pushed back, she didn’t get home til after 8, the chicken nearly started a grease fire and set off the smoke alarms, and the cats kept trying to eat the tree.  All of which was made worse by the fact that I was PMSing, both of us had low blood sugar, and there was a sleeping baby upstairs .  (I swear to god it was like a bad sitcom.)  Last night I was grumpy – though somewhat pacified by the mulled wine, admittedly – but today it just seems ridiculous.  There’s me, wrapping lights around the tree, tripping over angry cats and poking myself in the eye with passing branches; there’s Finn, frantically running around opening windows, desperate and fanning the smoke with a plastic cutting board…

The star on top of the tree is crooked, and I can’t get it to stay upright.  But after last night, it seems poetic, somehow; I think I’ll just leave it.

I’m making pot roast for dinner and it’s making the whole house smell delicious.  I’m also experimenting with desserts; today I’m attempting the aforementioned truffles.  I managed to slice my thumb open while chopping, which wasn’t a big deal except it bled EVERYWHERE and I could not for the life of me find a band-aid in this house.  So I’m currently rocking a really fancy paper towel square wrapped in scotch tape contraption – go makeshift first aid.

My hair is getting really long.  For me, I mean, which means it’s like 3 inches long.  I’m “growing it out” to at least semi-shaggy levels, I think, just to see what happens… but I feel like I’m going to have to call in the professionals soon.  I haven’t had a professional haircut since… hmm.  I want to say pre-dreadlocks, which would make it something like 8 years?  There may have been one real cut in there at some point, but really it has been at LEAST 5 years.  I’ve just been cutting it myself for so long that the idea of going somewhere makes me nervous.  At least if I fuck it up I didn’t pay money for it.  (That’s probably not a good reason to avoid it, is it?)  So far it just looks like my same haircut, only longer, and I can’t really do the fauxhawk thing anymore because it’s too long.  I’m digging it, though.  I’m just terrified I’m going to hit the inevitable mullet stage of any grow-out and no one’s going to tell me.  Hence, the desire for professional help.

Wow, this got all rambly.  Alright, off to check out the state of my truffles.

Oh, one last: this blog is nearly a year old.  (::tear::  They grow up so fast, huh?)  Seriously though, I kind of can’t believe it.  I just want to thank everyone who checks in here and then checks in with me – either in the comments or the emails or texts or whatever.  I feel like most of my posts are boring and not worth reading, but I’m always glad for any excuse for my pals – internety or otherwise – to give me a shout.  So thanks for reading, and for reaching out.  You’re all pretty amazing.

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Filed under budding foodie, crazy cat lady: ur doin it rite, Finn, love, manythanks, memories, new leaf, stuff pomegranates like

.a thank you note to finn.

[Today is Finn’s birthday.  In the midst of everything we’ve got going on – we’re moved! and unpacking… – I wanted to take a moment to thank her for being born and for, y’know, everything else along the way.]

Dear Finn,

Thank you for your love.  Thank you for each moment that you choose to spend with me.  Thank you for deciding to multiply those moments into forever.

Thank you for being such a motherfucking badass.  Thanks for being an amazing example of what it means to be dedicated, what it means to work your ass off, stay up all night, get shit done.  Thank you for not settling, not being satisfied with almost or just-about.  Thanks for getting riled up, getting me riled up, for being the answer to my oft-counseled caution.  No, not the answer – the compliment.

Thanks for all the compliments.  Thank you for making me feel beautiful, treasured.   Thank you for that look you give me sometimes, like you won some prize in a contest you didn’t know you’d entered.  (I know, I’m as baffled as you are, though I’m pretty sure of who won what, exactly, here).

Thank you for the nicknames, the thousand in-jokes we can’t explain, our shorthand, all those times I’m unable to put something into words and you just know, or you don’t know but it doesn’t matter, you’re with me anyway.  Thank you for the fact that there are so many conversations I can’t complete without the accompaniment of the whole of our many memories.  Thank you for laughing at yourself, and for trying to teach me how to do the same.  Thank you for taking me just-seriously-enough, for indulging me without spoiling me.  (Okay: mostly without spoiling me).  Thank you for that mischievous grin and for how frequently you wield it.

Thank you for sunflowers.  Thank you for silly groggy impromptu proposals at 7am in our kitchen.  In retrospect, they are the only kind of proposals I’d want.

Thank you for constantly push-pulling-stretching-testing-aching-breaking-bending me into growing into a better person.  Thank you for calling me out on my bullshit and telling me truths when it counts.  When it doesn’t, thank you for the practical jokes.  They drive me crazy, but you always keep me guessing.

Thank you for your fierce independence, and for respecting mine.  For knowing that we are infinitely stronger as two individuals, bringing all of these gifts and lessons and strengths and weaknesses to one another, than we ever could be if we became one indistinct “we.”  Thank you for encouraging me endlessly, and for letting me support you.  I am so lucky to get to see the thousand tiny ways you have changed the world already, and grateful to play the smallest part in that.

Thank you for being bold enough to kiss me that night.  Thank you for being so utterly, hypnotically charming.  Thank you for that first “I love you,” which tilted my world ever so slightly into this amazing thing we are now.  Thank you for getting lost in the woods with me when it really mattered.  Thank you for putting in the time, the effort, the work to keep us running smoothly.   Or, failing that, thank you for sticking with it when it would be easier not to.

Thank you for taking my hand in the middle of a crowded grocery store when my blood sugar is low and I’m consumed with murderous rage.  (You really are quite brave, you know).  Thank you for introducing me to whisky, Dolly Parton, and a rudimentary understanding of Indonesian history.  Also to your parents; that was big.

Thank you for putting up with me even when I’m a gooey, lovestruck romantic – like now, for instance – even though it embarrasses you to no end.  And thank you for a thousand more things I’d never be able to list (at least not without making you blush): the immeasurable comfort of your sleeping frame beside me at 3am, the way your hair curls when it’s raining, certain things you have said to me in our quiet spaces that I will never forget.

You are the kind of girl who makes me want to write long, rambling love letters.  For that – for you – I am so, so thankful.  Happy birthday, bella.

love,

me

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.ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Apologies if this post ends up being erratic and/or making no sense – I’m doped up on percocet but figured I’d give the blog thing a go anyway.

So.  Where were we before I fell off the face of the planet?  It felt for a while there that everything was floating around and no decisions were ever going to be made about all the things I was waiting on, but I’ve finally got some concrete plans!  First, I was finally given my official layoff notice, which was actually rather anti-climatic considering I’d known it was coming for so long.  That said, I found out that my employer is going to cover the cost of my health insurance premiums for 2 full months after I leave, which I had no idea would happen, so at least that’s a little of the weight off.

Second, I had a job interview a few days ago.  I can’t say too much about it, but I walked out feeling like it went well and I at least knew I did my best.  From there, we’ll see if I happen to be what they’re looking for.

…I just fell asleep at my keyboard.  Good drugs.

Right, so, I am feeling good on the job search front thus far, but of course there are always so many factors that go into why an employer hires one person instead of another (or in this case, one person instead of any one of the other 400 applicants) so I’m trying to get myself into headspace where I won’t beat myself up over not getting it if I don’t.

Third, Finn and I are officially moving at the end of this month.  We are super excited, our new apartment is very close to the city, public transportation, and our friends.  Living in the ‘burbs for a year was nice, and I think it was good for Finn to see that she wouldn’t end up killing herself out here.  There are definitely some things I’m going to miss, like the awesome library 5 minutes away and having a yard (even though we didn’t really use it, since the weather has been so rainy/muggy all summer) and a driveway (no fighting over on-street parking!) and a garage (no shoveling snow off the car!) but like I said, the new place is gorgeous and convenient and overall I’m really excited to be back in the city.  It’s also cheaper (not the rent itself, which is the same, but heating and cooling will be cheaper, we won’t have to pay for yardwork, we won’t have to take our own trash to the dump, we won’t have to shovel our own driveway, etc. – saving us money and time).  Plus, Cali is moving back so she’ll be right around the corner!

I had my wisdom teeth out this morning.  I had been ridiculously nervous about the process – I am not one for letting go of control, so the idea of getting drugs that were going to make me so loopy that I wouldn’t mind that I was having 4 teeth ripped out of my head scared me more than the actual procedure itself.  (Though it didn’t help that people kept telling me horror stories either – what’s up with that, people?  So uncool.)  But it went fine, I actually LOVED the drugs, and I just dozed and listened to my ipod (“teethout mix”) while he was doing his thing.  The groggy, bloody aftermath wasn’t so fun, but once I got home and Finn tucked me in, drugged me, and made sure I was covered in ice, things improved.  I proceeded to sleep through 3 movies, and now I’m actually feeling close to human (though still resembling a hamster, no worries).

Oh dear, I think I’m rambling.

When I add up everything that has/had to be done this month, it’s a little overwhelming: I have to get all of my cases at work ready to transfer to other attorneys and do all the million other closing-out things that need to be done when one leaves a job; I have to go on interviews and really get into the job search process; I have to pack up the whole house (and may I add that Finn is out of town at school for 2 weeks this month, so who do you think is going to be doing most of the packing??) and move into the new place; and I had to have a scary chimpunk-face-transplant surgery.  Maybe it’s more than the drugs making me so tired right now.

I wish I were still at the beach.  That trip deserves a proper post of its own, really.  I had so much fun, it was so awesome to see Rev’s place, meet her pup, and traipse around DC with her, and then road trip down to the beach.  There I turned slightly more flesh-colored (didn’t even burn much – score!) and got to hang with the family (and especially with my brother’s girlfriend’s son, who’s 3 and LOVES me) and spend quality time with everyone.  I slept and lounged, read, played on the beach, ate about 3 times more than I normally do of heavy, greasy, delicious southern foods, and really just quite enjoyed myself.  Told my siblings about the engagement and they were thrilled, which was sweet.

Seriously rambling.  I can’t think of a way to end this and I’m feeling too woozy to bother reading it over.  Oh, wait, here’s a good way to end – this applies both to my whining about my teeth hurting and also about the million things I have to do this month.  As my Grandma would say:

deal, dammit

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