Monthly Archives: August 2009

.a thank you note to finn.

[Today is Finn’s birthday.  In the midst of everything we’ve got going on – we’re moved! and unpacking… – I wanted to take a moment to thank her for being born and for, y’know, everything else along the way.]

Dear Finn,

Thank you for your love.  Thank you for each moment that you choose to spend with me.  Thank you for deciding to multiply those moments into forever.

Thank you for being such a motherfucking badass.  Thanks for being an amazing example of what it means to be dedicated, what it means to work your ass off, stay up all night, get shit done.  Thank you for not settling, not being satisfied with almost or just-about.  Thanks for getting riled up, getting me riled up, for being the answer to my oft-counseled caution.  No, not the answer – the compliment.

Thanks for all the compliments.  Thank you for making me feel beautiful, treasured.   Thank you for that look you give me sometimes, like you won some prize in a contest you didn’t know you’d entered.  (I know, I’m as baffled as you are, though I’m pretty sure of who won what, exactly, here).

Thank you for the nicknames, the thousand in-jokes we can’t explain, our shorthand, all those times I’m unable to put something into words and you just know, or you don’t know but it doesn’t matter, you’re with me anyway.  Thank you for the fact that there are so many conversations I can’t complete without the accompaniment of the whole of our many memories.  Thank you for laughing at yourself, and for trying to teach me how to do the same.  Thank you for taking me just-seriously-enough, for indulging me without spoiling me.  (Okay: mostly without spoiling me).  Thank you for that mischievous grin and for how frequently you wield it.

Thank you for sunflowers.  Thank you for silly groggy impromptu proposals at 7am in our kitchen.  In retrospect, they are the only kind of proposals I’d want.

Thank you for constantly push-pulling-stretching-testing-aching-breaking-bending me into growing into a better person.  Thank you for calling me out on my bullshit and telling me truths when it counts.  When it doesn’t, thank you for the practical jokes.  They drive me crazy, but you always keep me guessing.

Thank you for your fierce independence, and for respecting mine.  For knowing that we are infinitely stronger as two individuals, bringing all of these gifts and lessons and strengths and weaknesses to one another, than we ever could be if we became one indistinct “we.”  Thank you for encouraging me endlessly, and for letting me support you.  I am so lucky to get to see the thousand tiny ways you have changed the world already, and grateful to play the smallest part in that.

Thank you for being bold enough to kiss me that night.  Thank you for being so utterly, hypnotically charming.  Thank you for that first “I love you,” which tilted my world ever so slightly into this amazing thing we are now.  Thank you for getting lost in the woods with me when it really mattered.  Thank you for putting in the time, the effort, the work to keep us running smoothly.   Or, failing that, thank you for sticking with it when it would be easier not to.

Thank you for taking my hand in the middle of a crowded grocery store when my blood sugar is low and I’m consumed with murderous rage.  (You really are quite brave, you know).  Thank you for introducing me to whisky, Dolly Parton, and a rudimentary understanding of Indonesian history.  Also to your parents; that was big.

Thank you for putting up with me even when I’m a gooey, lovestruck romantic – like now, for instance – even though it embarrasses you to no end.  And thank you for a thousand more things I’d never be able to list (at least not without making you blush): the immeasurable comfort of your sleeping frame beside me at 3am, the way your hair curls when it’s raining, certain things you have said to me in our quiet spaces that I will never forget.

You are the kind of girl who makes me want to write long, rambling love letters.  For that – for you – I am so, so thankful.  Happy birthday, bella.

love,

me

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Filed under Finn, love, manythanks

.we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a freak out.

Tomorrow is my last day of work.

Two days after that we’re moving.

I found out yesterday that I didn’t get a job for which I was incredibly well-qualified.

I also found out yesterday that a guy I went to middle and high school with died very unexpectedly.

In sum, I don’t like change and there has been a lot of change, upheaval, disappointment, and facing of my own mortality and that of the people I love, all within the span of about a week.  Oh, also the cats are panicked and peeing all over everything.

I try hard not to wish away my days, even the bad ones, because every moment is so precious.  I try hard not to feel like a failure when I don’t get the things that I want and work hard for.  I try not to waste time worrying – obsessing? – about whether and when and how the people I dearly love will pass away.  I try not to want to kill my sweetly tyrannous baby kittens.

And yet.  I am ready for this week to be over, I am ready to be moved in, I am ready to have said my goodbyes at work and shut the door on that period of my life, pleasant though it was.  I am ready to stop being anxious so I won’t fall prey to my mega-anxiety-producing-triggers (unexpected deaths being a major, major trigger for me).

I’m ready to let go and let myself be happy again.  I’m ready to take responsibility for my own joy.

When I was in high school, one of my best friends and I both kept small notebooks with us at all time.  We called them our Happy Books.  They were filled with an ongoing list of things that made us happy – pictures, inside jokes, people, events, memories… I’m sure half of it wouldn’t make sense to me now, but I’m not sure I’ve ever been as content with my life as when I kept a Happy Book.  Seems like it might be time to start that back up again.  So for tonight…

10 Things That Make Me Happy Right Now

1. My shiny new apartment

2. Numbered, color-coded moving boxes

3. The fact that my haircat loves me so much that she hates that I’m typing this right now, because she really wants to be sitting ON ME

4. Brunch with Rev

5. Victory over The Man: Comcast gave me an amazing deal on cable when I called to tell them I had to go to basic because I’d been laid off.  Everything I have now for half the price.  Ahmazing.

6. Finn’s freckles

7. Air conditioning

8. The story that has been floating around in my mind, waiting to get out

9. Living one train stop away from Cali beginning Saturday

10. The possibilities that await me now that I’ve got free time again…

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Filed under anticipation, anxiety, Cali, crazy cat lady: ur doin it rite, Finn, memories, new leaf, Rev, type A personality: check

.toothless texting.

Last Thursday I had my wisdom teeth out.  They used conscious sedation for the procedure – essentially I was very, very drunk (slash high?) through the whole thing.  I could follow directions at the time, and I was responsive, but I mostly just laid there and listened to my iPod, and I remember very little of what happened.  However, when I sobered up, I checked my phone to find the following text conversation had taken place.  I don’t remember a word of it.

Me: Love you

Finn: Love you more

[Doctor inserts the IV]

Me: Im fryeeling so drunk whoa wow thus syff

Finn: Um should you be texting?

Me: I am all connectr to wires andvnoy scared

Finn: Breathe!!  You will be fine

Me: Not scared

Finn: Not scared!  Oh!  Excellent!

Me: They can do ehatevverbr they want

Me: Texing is so hard

Finn: You’re doing it well!

Finn: Whatcha thinking about?

Me: The lives that the trees have

Finn: That’s deep stuff, why aren’t they doing anything yet?

Me: I love yuiiu

Me: Has tonn dink in

Finn: Um

Me: My yonhueb is huge

Me: Sleepy

Me: Tongue

Finn: Take a nap

Me: Gonna rest wishbyiu were here

Finn: Me too I hate those fuckers [They hadn’t let Finn come into the room with me, and she was not happy]

Me: I am just being borin I’m numb and dozing and tring not to tell secrets

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Filed under Finn, sickyface

.ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Apologies if this post ends up being erratic and/or making no sense – I’m doped up on percocet but figured I’d give the blog thing a go anyway.

So.  Where were we before I fell off the face of the planet?  It felt for a while there that everything was floating around and no decisions were ever going to be made about all the things I was waiting on, but I’ve finally got some concrete plans!  First, I was finally given my official layoff notice, which was actually rather anti-climatic considering I’d known it was coming for so long.  That said, I found out that my employer is going to cover the cost of my health insurance premiums for 2 full months after I leave, which I had no idea would happen, so at least that’s a little of the weight off.

Second, I had a job interview a few days ago.  I can’t say too much about it, but I walked out feeling like it went well and I at least knew I did my best.  From there, we’ll see if I happen to be what they’re looking for.

…I just fell asleep at my keyboard.  Good drugs.

Right, so, I am feeling good on the job search front thus far, but of course there are always so many factors that go into why an employer hires one person instead of another (or in this case, one person instead of any one of the other 400 applicants) so I’m trying to get myself into headspace where I won’t beat myself up over not getting it if I don’t.

Third, Finn and I are officially moving at the end of this month.  We are super excited, our new apartment is very close to the city, public transportation, and our friends.  Living in the ‘burbs for a year was nice, and I think it was good for Finn to see that she wouldn’t end up killing herself out here.  There are definitely some things I’m going to miss, like the awesome library 5 minutes away and having a yard (even though we didn’t really use it, since the weather has been so rainy/muggy all summer) and a driveway (no fighting over on-street parking!) and a garage (no shoveling snow off the car!) but like I said, the new place is gorgeous and convenient and overall I’m really excited to be back in the city.  It’s also cheaper (not the rent itself, which is the same, but heating and cooling will be cheaper, we won’t have to pay for yardwork, we won’t have to take our own trash to the dump, we won’t have to shovel our own driveway, etc. – saving us money and time).  Plus, Cali is moving back so she’ll be right around the corner!

I had my wisdom teeth out this morning.  I had been ridiculously nervous about the process – I am not one for letting go of control, so the idea of getting drugs that were going to make me so loopy that I wouldn’t mind that I was having 4 teeth ripped out of my head scared me more than the actual procedure itself.  (Though it didn’t help that people kept telling me horror stories either – what’s up with that, people?  So uncool.)  But it went fine, I actually LOVED the drugs, and I just dozed and listened to my ipod (“teethout mix”) while he was doing his thing.  The groggy, bloody aftermath wasn’t so fun, but once I got home and Finn tucked me in, drugged me, and made sure I was covered in ice, things improved.  I proceeded to sleep through 3 movies, and now I’m actually feeling close to human (though still resembling a hamster, no worries).

Oh dear, I think I’m rambling.

When I add up everything that has/had to be done this month, it’s a little overwhelming: I have to get all of my cases at work ready to transfer to other attorneys and do all the million other closing-out things that need to be done when one leaves a job; I have to go on interviews and really get into the job search process; I have to pack up the whole house (and may I add that Finn is out of town at school for 2 weeks this month, so who do you think is going to be doing most of the packing??) and move into the new place; and I had to have a scary chimpunk-face-transplant surgery.  Maybe it’s more than the drugs making me so tired right now.

I wish I were still at the beach.  That trip deserves a proper post of its own, really.  I had so much fun, it was so awesome to see Rev’s place, meet her pup, and traipse around DC with her, and then road trip down to the beach.  There I turned slightly more flesh-colored (didn’t even burn much – score!) and got to hang with the family (and especially with my brother’s girlfriend’s son, who’s 3 and LOVES me) and spend quality time with everyone.  I slept and lounged, read, played on the beach, ate about 3 times more than I normally do of heavy, greasy, delicious southern foods, and really just quite enjoyed myself.  Told my siblings about the engagement and they were thrilled, which was sweet.

Seriously rambling.  I can’t think of a way to end this and I’m feeling too woozy to bother reading it over.  Oh, wait, here’s a good way to end – this applies both to my whining about my teeth hurting and also about the million things I have to do this month.  As my Grandma would say:

deal, dammit

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Filed under anticipation, anxiety, Cali, Finn, love, Rev, sickyface, vacation all i ever wanted