Monthly Archives: July 2009

.i build each one of my days out of hope.

I’ve had the line stuck in my head all day:

“I build each one of my days out of hope / and I give that hope your name…”

Oh, Ani.  Way to transport me back to college.

It’s fitting though, as I have been thinking a lot lately about hope and the future how to build the life I want to have.  This fit of introspection has been prompted by ye olde impending layoff, of course (you tired of hearing about that yet?  Because I’m tired of talking about it…) as well as the prospect of possibly moving, and more generally, the feeling that some Major Life Changes are shifting into high gear.  And while I would suspect myself of being the type to – how shall I say this – freak the fuck out about said Major Life Changes, I’ve surprised myself with the attitude I’ve so far adopted: somewhat zen Buddhist, a quiet acceptance, que sera sera and all that.  I’ve done all I can do, the rest is out of my hands.  In a way, this is freeing.  It’s not so bad, this whole letting go thing.

In fact, surprisingly, it feels like a moment brimming with opportunity.  How often do we get to start over?

Don’t get me wrong, not every day has been filled with this let-the-world-take-me-where-it-may feeling.  But overall, I have felt rather… hopeful.  I am convinced that I’ll end up where I ought to be, and I will learn from that place, and then I will move on.  In the meantime, I will try not to ruin this day with worry.  I will be where I am, and I’ll enjoy it while I’m here.

And really, the view could be worse.

::  we negotiate with chaos for some sense of satisfaction

if you won’t give it to me at least give me

a better view

come here

stand in front of the light

stand still

so I can see your silhouette

I hope

that you have got all night

cuz I’m not done looking

no I’m not done looking




Filed under anticipation, quotables, the beauty of the in-between

.26 is the new something.

I turned 26 on the 4th.

Here’s hoping 26 is the new 25, because I LOVED being 25.  At 25 I passed the bar, got my first real job, and got engaged.  I also moved, went on trips, learned a lot, continued to settle in with Finn, and started this blog.  Any way I measure it, it was a fantastic year.

My birthday was pretty wonderful.  Finn was at a birth the whole time – this is the 2nd year in a row she’s missed my birthday – which was of course disappointing.  (She has promised me that she will NOT be on call on my birthday next year.  Sweet.)  But Gem threw me a fabulous party at her house, and there were lots of people there and lots of drinking and singing and playing Rock Band and grilling out and running around and funtimes.  I had wayyyyy too much of a delicious Southeast Asian sangria followed by a not-small amount of champagne with blueberries.  Luckily there was also so much food that despite the fact that I drank what felt like a few bathtubs full of alcohol, I managed to stay upright (and no hangover the next day – always a plus.)

pomegranate birthday

moment of reflection upon turning 26

:photo by QS:

Because of the drinking (&etc.), the whole night is this slightly incoherent joy-filled blur: the soft fizzle of fireworks that we could hear but not see; a Michael Jackson singalong; Gem and I standing, arms wrapped around one another, swaying; talking to my family, none of whom were even remotely convinced by my fairly pathetic attempt to play sober; the smell of charcoal; chocolate cake; a circle of laughing, singing people illuminated by candlelight.  It was a good birthday.

Sunday Finn and K & J and I went to the beach.  It was so beautiful, and Finn and I decided then and there that we were going to Hawaii again this year, layoffs and expenses and crazy schedules be damned.  Her mom offered to buy her plane ticket, and we can stay with her brother, so the expense isn’t nearly as much as it might run us otherwise.  We bought our tickets last night, and I am over the moon.

Sunday also got me pumped for my week-long trip to the NC beach at the end of this month.  It’ll be the first time I’ll have been to my grandma’s place at the beach in several years.  I spent every summer of my childhood there, and it holds so many memories for me.  I can’t wait to sit out on her dock, watch my dad and brother fish, listen to the waves, fall asleep to the sound of crickets.  Nothing is more peaceful.  (I say that glossing over the fact, of course, that my family – all 6 of us – plus my brother’s girlfriend and her 3 year old son, plus any friends my sister might bring, plus, obviously, my grandma, are all going to be crammed into her teensy beach cottage for a week.  Ah well, what’s one bathroom between 10 friends?  I’m so excited.)

On another note: I am way too fair for all this beachiness.  IIIIIIIIII might need to invest in another SPF surf shirt.  Worth it!


Filed under anticipation, Finn, Gem, love, memories, new leaf, QS, Rev, sunshine, the beauty of the in-between, vacation all i ever wanted