Monthly Archives: June 2009

.oh, however.

I should note that I am not as bummed as I come across in that last post.

Sister is fully recovered, rockin’ her bikini despite the laproscopic incisions she received.  All is well with the world on that front.  And again, so so many thanks to everyone who sent good thoughts/prayers.  Seriously, that shit really works.

I am madly in love with Finn.

My supervisor at work is going to call one place where I’m applying to work – a job I think I’d be perfect for – to talk me up.  AND that job pays better than the one I have now.  (Though, honestly, most jobs do.  Ha.)

I leave for the beach in 3 weeks, and I’m working it out so that I’m flying to Rev and we’re going to road trip there together, as her family happens to be staying at the same beach the same week my family and I will be there.  Sweeeeeet.

So, there are good things too.  :)

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Filed under love, manythanks, ohmygod i'm a lawyer, Rev, The Fam, vacation all i ever wanted

.zombified.

Here are some things that have made this week feel incredibly strange, and me to feel like a bit of a zombie:

  • Layoff: made official.  I’ve got my job through August, then I’m out.  (Perhaps I should be more upset about this – it IS sad, and scary, but I have had a few prospects come my way on the job-front that have softened the blow, at least initially.  I’ll keep you posted as to how those turn out, if they do.)
  • WHERE THE HELL IS THE BLOODY SUNSHINE?  I am tired of walking through dark and stormy soup.  And everything feels damp – one of my least favorite things.
  • The computers have been down at work all week, so I have billed approximately 1 hour in the last 4 days.  The rest of the time has been spent playing games on my iphone.
  • I have been having the weirdest dreams lately, about hospitals and love and babies and trees.  (Though not all in the same dream).  I wake up anxious or confused or, occasionally, quite happy.  But I don’t feel like I’m getting much rest.

Hence, zombified.

My worksite has instituted furlough days (one day off per pay period, 10% pay cut) so I’m off today.  I ought to be making doctor’s appointments and taking my car for an oil change and doing laundry and buying groceries, but mostly I’m just being a lump on the couch.

My birthday is coming up quickly and I haven’t been even remotely excited about making plans.  Last night I was (sweetly) convinced by Gem to have a small get-together at her place, following which we can walk to the fireworks.   (No, people don’t just shoot off fireworks for my birthday, though that would be awesome; I’m a 4th of July baby.)  All of which sounds good to me.  I don’t know, I’m in kind of a bummed place lately because I feel like I don’t have many friends.  Everyone moved away post-grad-school, and I lost some of my besties.  Of course, the people that I do still have are wonderful, but it’s sad to think about prior birthday celebrations and how this one will be so much smaller.  To do: meet new people.  And perhaps put forth some effort and reconnect with some folks I’ve lost touch with.

Our landlord wants us to go to a month-to-month lease, on the off chance that his son (who currently lives in DC) loses his job and wants to move back here.  Finn and I realllllly don’t want to move when our lease is up this September (especially if I don’t have a job – that’s an awfully large expense if we don’t HAVE to leave) but we’re also not thrilled that we could be kicked out at any moment and have to find somewhere suitable to live in, say, February, when there will be NOTHING decent available.  We have an awesome place now, a 3brm house for what most people pay for an apartment, in a very nice town that’s close to Finn’s supervising midwife and a short drive from the train I need to get for work.  But Finn is done with supervision end of July, and I won’t have this job end of August.  So – no real reason for us to stay here (we’d rather be in the city – especially if I end up getting a job there) except that the place is so big and we’re paying so little for it, relatively.  Oh, pros and cons.  Thoughts?  Advice?  We’re kind of in an eagle death roll with this decision.

Okay, up to at least change out of my PJs and pretend to get started on my day… oh god, is this what it’s going to be like if I’m unemployed?  Eesh.

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Filed under eagle death roll, Finn, Gem, memories

.loves me some internets.

(That’s you all.)

Just wanted to thank everyone who commented/emailed/called/tweeted after that last post – your kind words and support got me through the past few days.  It was kind of amazing to get such an outpouring from friends and strangers alike – warms my heart, I tell ya.  Maybe this world isn’t as crazy as the news would have us believe.

Sis went into surgery this morning, got a couple fairly unnecessary organs removed.  We should know in a few weeks – once she’s all healed up – whether they were the actual cause of the pain or not.  Kind of odd that surgery is being used as a way to rule things out – “well, can’t be her gallbladder because she doesn’t have one!” – but there was really no other option.  She’s still pretty miserable, in a lot of post-surgery pain, but she goes home tomorrow.  I think that will help.

And I am back home as well, surrounded by some kittens who clearly missed me like the dickens.  Finn is at school until Friday, but that’s probably for the best – gives me a few days to decompress and return to a functioning human being before she’s back. Though I have to go to work tomorrow, and I’m dreading it, it will be nice to get back into a routine that doesn’t involve hospital food.

And now, just because we could all use a peaceful view every once in a while…

cottageView from the train on my way home from work.  How can I move there?

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Filed under manythanks, The Fam

.vent.

These past few days have been a blur of stress and anxiety.  I flit back and forth between the hospital and the real world – on the one hand a tiny, airless flourescent-buzzed room filled with wires, tubes, one very ailing sister, my mother so tense and strained from 10 days of advocacy, caregiving, fighting with doctors and nurses that she is shaking and can’t stop; on the other hand my family’s house, trying to make sure everyone is eating, taking care of the various and sundry pets, checking in on the news (Holocaust Museum shooter, Iran election riots, lovely), laundry, errands, and sleep when it comes…

I am – we are all – stressed.

Fortunately, my sister is (presumably) not suffering from anything life-threatening – they’ve ruled out all the Very Scary Things.  She has still-undiagnosed severe abdominal pain requiring frequent intravenous pain meds.  Unfortunately, some combination of those pain meds, a possible electrolyte imbalance, and her body’s general exhaustion after being a hospital guinea pig for the past 10 days caused her to have a seizure a few days ago that pretty much traumatized myself, my little brother, and my grandmother for life.  One minute she was fine, the next she was seizing (the possibility of which was never explained to us, despite the fact that a simple Google search of her pain medication very clearly states that any significant use can lead to seizures.  Thanks for letting us know, assholes.  Your medical system at work.)  Of course the seizure happened during the half-hour that my father convinced my mother to let him take her out to lunch, as she hadn’t set foot outside the hospital in 7 days.

Anyway, it was scary.  Terrifying, actually.  Of course now we know she’s fine, now we know it was just (“just”) a seizure, but at the time… machines were going off, nurses were running around yelling, they shut us out of the room and wouldn’t tell us what was happening, my grandmother was in hysterics, my little brother looked like he was about to pass out, we hear my sister making all these horrible noises and every time we open the door we see her shaking uncontrollably… it was bad.  But she’s fine now.

And I’m just venting.  The role I play in my family is the very put-together, responsible oldest child, making sure needs are met, taking care of what needs to be taken care of so my parents can focus on my sister.  Though this has been a very stressful time for everyone, I’ve only cried twice, and both times on the phone with Finn.  It’s important to me that my family not see me freak out.  It’s important that they feel like they can rely on me.  So I lose it every time I talk to Finn, and poor thing, that’s all she’s really gotten from me since I’ve been here.

In any case, my grandmother and I are off to see a movie, forget the hospital stress for a few hours.  Something stupid, something that doesn’t require a brain.  Sounds about right.

Hope all is well where you are…

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Filed under anxiety, Finn, sickyface, The Fam

.superfast update.

My sister has been in the hospital for the last 5 or so days.  They’re not sure what’s wrong with her (and what’s the deal with my family members ending up in the hospital???) but she’s in a lot of pain and completely drugged up on pain meds, and the doctors haven’t been much help up til now.  We think they’re finally starting to hone in on a diagnosis, but she graduates at the end of this week and it’s not looking like she’s going to be able to go.  Which is really sad for her.  Anyway, any good thoughts you could spare would be much appreciated – send ’em her way.  Thanks!

I have been having an awesome few weeks at work.  Been super busy, but loving it.  Feeling like I’m finally starting to hit my stride, and developing some really good, solid relationships with the people I work with.  So it was pretty rough today when my supervisor pulled me into her office to give me an unofficial, unauthorized, non-union-approved heads up that, basically, I should start looking for another job because I was going to be laid off soon.  Then, tonight, I get an email from the union with management’s proposal: August 28th will be my last day, barring some MAJOR union intervention (unlikely) or an act of God (also fairly unlikely).  I’m actually not as upset about it as I thought I’d be – probably because they’ve been telling me I was going to be laid off since about February – but the situation is really, really shitty.  I just want to be allowed to keep my crappy salary and work for poor people, dammit!  Is that so much to ask???  Sigh.  But I’m trying to stay open, stay positive, try and look at this as an opportunity for growth.  I am really going to miss that job though.

Anyway.  I leave for the Southland tomorrow to see the fam, visit sis in the hospital, and (perhaps) see her walk at graduation.  Hell, I’ll push her in a wheelchair if it comes to that.  I haven’t finished packing, so I suppose I should get to that…

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Filed under anxiety, new leaf, The Fam