Monthly Archives: March 2009

.nesting.

It has been a good weekend.  Finn returned, there was dancing and drinking, Saturday was spent in bed recovering from the dancing and drinking, and most of today was spent in bed as well, recovering from our 2 weeks apart.  My favorite kind of weekend.

It looked beautiful outside today, full of sunshine streaming in our windows, and then, when we were running a quick errand right before the sun set – snow.  The thermostat said it was in the 40’s, and suddenly we were surrounded by swirling snowflakes; people in the cars around us rolled their windows down, stuck their hands out, couldn’t believe it.  For a minute, it was like the first snow again.

Maybe it’s because Finn is back, maybe it’s because the weather is finally turning, maybe it’s because I’m slowly but surely settling into the mantle of adulthood, but I’m finding myself lately obsessing over the three things I never thought I’d obsess over (and I can’t believe I’m admitting this): a house, marriage, and babies.  I’ve gone from envisioning a future without any of those things to not being able to think about anything else.  As I was lounging in bed this afternoon, I kept thinking about how lovely it was to basically spend an entire weekend curled up with Finn, but how much more lovely it would be to have had to wake up at 7am, cook some breakfast for the kiddos, and go out and do family stuff.  I want tee-ball games and play dates and PTA meetings.  Who am I???  When did this happen???  If my women’s studies professors could see me now…

I’m also suffering from an incurable case of wanderlust.  I’ve got no plans for a trip until June (back down south for my little sister’s graduation) but if I don’t go somewhere before then I’m going to lose it.  This winter was too long and I’m antsy.  I’m thinking Hawaii, Greece, or Ireland.  Yea, I’m not talking about a road trip – I want to get as far away as possible.  …And then I want to come home again.

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Filed under anticipation, Finn, new leaf, sunshine, The Fam

.did you know?.

Apologies for the lack of posting lately – I’ve been alternately exhausted and avoiding the internet.  However, saw this video today and it kind of blew my mind (and explained both why I feel like I might have ADD, and also why I often feel much less intelligent and capable than my forebears):

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Kind of mind-boggling, yes?  Makes me feel slightly overwhelmed, but a little better for not being as well-versed in lifethings as I feel I ought.  Who could know all that, right?  (She tells herself…)

Anywho, I digress.   What have you missed, what have you missed…  well, last week was insanity.  Had a brief due by Friday afternoon that took over my life, though in the end it was actually pretty fun to write.  (It was an appeal of an Administrative Law Judge’s decision, and it was easily one of the worst-written decisions I’ve ever seen.  Also, the Judge inserted snarky footnotes throughout, several of which blatantly insulted the Decision Review Board, to whom I was addressing my appeal.  Good times.)

Weekend was fabulous.  We’re finally getting some decent weather ’round these parts – I’m pointedly ignoring next week’s forecast of ice/snow early in the week – and I spent most of Saturday outside.  First I went to the local library and got a library card, because I’ve been recycling books on my bookshelf lately and am desperate for some new material.  After that, however, I went on a hike with QS (who I haven’t mentioned here yet because we’ve not been hanging out as much since I moved out of the city proper…) and had a picnic.  We also ran errands (yay new watch!) and – because we are eerily suburban at times – skipped around a mall for a while.  (Tried on some hipster clothes while we were there.  My first pair of skinny jeans.  No, I did not buy, I could never pull that look off, but it did lead to some hysterical laughing in the Forever 21 dressing room.  Aannnnnnnd there’s a sentence I hope to never type again.)

Sunday I spent most of the day in my PJs, in bed, reading and watching movies.  I needed some recovery time following the week of insanity (and the excursion into Forever 21).  That evening, went on a fabulous dogwalk with Cali, and then off to dinner with @samfeasor, my old roommate, whom I adore and don’t see often enough.  (She gets that nickname for being a twitter addict… and for the record, I blame my own addiction on her, because I wouldn’t even know twitter existed if it weren’t for her.)

Wow I’m rambling.  That’s what you really missed, eh?  :P

This week is looking less crazy than last, thankfully.  I spent about 4 hours at the local Social Security office today, because beauracracy is slow and stupid and doesn’t care that I have better things to do.  I was super grumpy when I got back to my office, but then I checked my mailbox and saw that I got a favorable decision for one of my clients who DESPERATELY needed the benefits, so – just like that! – life was good again.

Now if only Finn would come home… Cali mocked me for being so vocal about missing her, but honestly, things are just better when she’s around.  It’s not like I’m a pile of jello when she’s gone – can we talk about how I’m actually cooking for myself, which was previously unheard of?!?!? – but there’s a reason I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl.  She lights me up.

3 more days…

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Filed under @samfeasor, anticipation, Cali, Finn, ohmygod i'm a lawyer, QS, sunshine, vidjas

.ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.

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Galoshes and Scarf Fringe

Finn left for school this morning… which means 2 weeks all by my lonesome.  And of course it was a grey, grey day today in honor of her departure.  In honor of her return, however, a composition from Sunday morning:

[meaning enough, quite]

scene:

we lie together
in our bed, it is morning,
here is morning
here is sunlight illuminating lazy dust motes;
you are asleep, i am not asleep, i am
not asleep counting your breaths on my neck
and i think
there is a poem in here

so newly awake my mind steals away (quietly)
(so as not to wake you)
begins its whirringspiraling
i will crawl inside this moment
i will fill it up flesh it out
as the poets teach
i will give it meaning
i have decided
what it needs it needs meaning
i am outside myself
i am pulling away from you
i am reaching for my pen

and i have stopped
counting your breaths          on my neck
as i stoop to write these words:

this is their cost:
this is their price:

who can know
what is too dear?
who can know?

and so i release return to myself,
to your breath
to this bed where we are curled
one after the other like waves
and i think
i am content
where the poets would have me turn your breaths into love letters, no
i am content
to abandon my poetry
(to let my poetry abandon me!)
i will not pay that price, today
content to know your breath on my neck

unadorned, without flourish or baubles
without even the beat of a poet’s heart
is meaning enough,
quite.

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Filed under anticipation, Finn, lightning and a lightning bug

.the cat’s pajamas.

Or, the obligatory crazy cat lady post.

I never thought I would be one of those horrible cat parents who dressed her animals in outfits.  What can I say… never underestimate the power of cat pajamas.

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Okay, kind of adorable though, right?  They’ve got little back legs and everything!

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Unfortunately, she thinks she’s in a straightjacket when we put her in clothes of any kind, and tends to fall over and just lie there, or stare longingly at raised platforms without making any actual attempt to jump (see i.e., above).

Lest you think I am only a crazy cat lady in regards to the hairless wonder, here’s a portrait of our twins.  (Okay, they were born a day apart, and to different parents, but we think of them as fraternal.)

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Oh hai.

(See the resemblance?)

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Filed under crazy cat lady: ur doin it rite, nerdiness

.saturday.

This has been a crazy week.  I had a big research project at work due Friday, and I did a colleague a favor and took a hearing from her for Friday, which meant a lot of long hours.  Last night, Finn and I were planning on going out to Guerilla Queer Bar, but when the time came for us to get ready, I was so exhausted I could barely move.  So, she headed out without me and I went to bed at about 10pm.  Sad I missed a fun night, but wow did I need the sleep.

The weather is gorgeous today – sunny and in the 60s.  I spent the morning doing a much needed clean up of the house, followed by some traipsing around a lake with a friend who I don’t see very often, playing catch-up.  Finn is due home any minute from her morning appointments, and I’m going to see if I can’t convince her to spend our afternoon here.  It’s a good day for a jaunt through a sculpture park, methinks.

The only problem with the beautiful weather is that it makes it that much harder to wait for warm weather that’s a little more lasting.  It feels so freeing to spend time outside.  I know we’ve got a few more episodes of snow and ice before we’re in the clear, but I’m getting antsy.

Don’t forget daylight saving time tonight… yay for more sun!

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Filed under anticipation, sunshine

.reeling it in.

(I was going to title this post “taking my life back,” but that seemed a little dramatic.)

So.   Finn and I were discussing finances the other night (cue ominous music…) and trying to figure out ways we could cut back, what we could cut out, etc.  We’re by no means poor – working day in and day out with people who are well under 100% of the federal poverty guidelines has taught me a thing or two about what it means to be poor, and I make a point to feel grateful for my unearned blessings every day – but we don’t exactly resemble anything approaching wealthy, either.  Which is fitting, I suppose, as we’re both just starting out.

Anyway – to the point, pom! – we were trying to decide whether to cancel our cable, and during our discussion we came to count how many hours a day we spend watching TV.  And it was not good, my friends.  Not good at all.  In fact, it caused me quite a fit of existential panic – I’ve wasted how many hours of my life on something mindless, purposeless, and completely useless to myself and the world?  Really???

So, reel it in we shall.  Finn and I are now severely limiting our TV intake (though we’ve decided to keep cable, as it doesn’t make much of a dent in our budget and when we DO watch tv, we’d like to watch things we enjoy.)  I also had a related moment of panic regarding my wasted internet time.  Between facebook, twitter, gmail, and google reader, I think half my life has been frittered away on… nothing.  So, I installed a Firefox add-on that blocks you from certain websites, or internet access altogether, during certain times of the day or after you’ve been online for a specific amount of time.  Brilliant!

I’m left with this strange anxiety, though.  What am I going to do with all this time?  It’s freeing, of course, to commit to no longer being a brainwashed vegetable, but it also leaves a bizarre emptiness.  TV and internet were my post-work go-to activities (in part because, due to my aforementioned failure to resemble a wealthy person, I can’t afford classes, gym memberships, lessons, etc. and also because I’m tired when I get home.)   I only have about 4 hours between getting home from work and going to bed – I spend all day on the computer at work, so I hate the idea of coming home and wasting my evenings sitting on the couch, silently staring, the way I spend my days.  I want to read more.  I want to keep up with my working out (at home, thank you Jillian Michaels).  I want to spend more quality time with Finn, less time sitting next to her watching TV, disconnected.  I want to write more.  I want to re-connect with my family and friends in a manner that doesn’t require a modem – more phone calls, more snail mail, more going out and visiting.

Okay, so obviously I have some goals.  But I could use some suggestions, as I try and end this addiction.  What do you do with your free time?  What have I been missing out on?  Help!

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Filed under anxiety, Finn, new leaf

.great for home or office!.

Nobody cracks me up like Ellen… I would say I almost fell out of my chair laughing, but I think she wins.

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Filed under vidjas